All healthy relationships have arguments here and there. focuses on the individual situation at hand and pits the couple against the problem. “ Unhealthy fights are those in which one or both partners are not fighting fair. Relationships aren't perfect and fights do happen. All couples have a pattern that emerges when they argue, no matter the actual This way, your response is not reactionary and allows you to better address the problem. Can you tell if your spats have veered into territory that relationship experts identify as “Of course, the issues that mean the most and are important to you can be Believe it or not, you're not arguing about what you think you're arguing about. “Intimacy is a critical part of a healthy partnership,” says Hall.
Below, Stark and other relationship experts share eight ways healthy couples argue differently. They don't run from fights.
Couples in it for the long-haul don't shy away from discussing topics that could just as easily be swept under the rug. I don't want to move to there! They start slow and take turns talking. Arguments generally end the same way they began, said Bonnie Ray Kennan, a marriage and family therapist based in Southern California. Couples who've mastered the art of arguing fairly take things slow, addressing difficult conversations with a soft, reassuring tone and dialing it down whenever things get too emotionally charged.
They don't name call. Happy couples in long-term relationships rarely get into knock-down, drag-out fights because they don't lower themselves to school-yard tactics: They know how to cool down.
When things do get out of hand, savvy arguers know how to get a grip on their emotions. They value taking a time out, whether that means counting to 10 and taking slow, deep breaths or simply telling their spouse, "Hey, can we revisit this in the morning?
Healthy Fighting vs. Unhealthy Fighting - What's the Difference
When both partners are able to soothe themselves and take breaks, they're usually able to reach a resolution or agree to disagree! They set ground rules for arguments.
It's not that long-time couples have never resorted to low blows or have said something regrettable during an argument. Saying something you later regret because you were really worked up is only going to make the fight worse and can leave feelings seriously hurt.
Be prepared to compromise. Often the only way to reach a solution is for both partners to give some ground. If both of you stick rigidly to your desired outcome, the fight is probably just going to keep going and going.
Sometimes, an imperfect solution is better than no solution at all. How not to argue There are lots of destructive things that people do in arguments that tend to make conflict worse rather than help resolve it.
Try to avoid any of the following: This is a total withdrawal and refusal to discuss the issue. It usually leaves the conversation with nowhere to go.
Commenting negatively, over and above the current problem. This behaviour often creates a very defensive response, and so can be the trigger for a real shouting match. For example, sneering, belligerence or sarcasm.
I can't seem to stop arguing with my partner. What can we do? | Relate
Aggressively defending and justifying self to the other person. Watch two of our senior counsellors talk about arguments in relationships: Future rows It can take a while to change negative behaviours and learn to disagree in a constructive and calm manner. However, do try to stick with it — because once you get used to working through problems in a constructive and calm manner, it can produce some really positive changes in your relationship.
Relationships are always a work in progress.
Healthy Fighting vs. Unhealthy Fighting: What’s the Difference
If you find yourself rowing again, look at what happened, think about what you each could have done better, and talk it through. Then forgive yourself and your partner and move on. How we can help If you're finding it really difficult to stop arguing, then we can help: Relationship Counselling gives you a chance to talk over any difficult issues in a safe and confidential environment.
Will you help us? Please consider making a small donation. How much would you like to donate?